watch. this. space.

somebody tells me that u need to work on a project which you feel excited about. i tried to do it, but somehow it dilutes into something bland. i wanted to work on something which i feel comfortable with, but this hasnt been the case. how can i get back to the time when i feel confident in presenting?

“and if your ever around,
in the city or the suburbs of this town
be sure to come around.
i’ll be wallowing in sorrow,
wearing a frown,
like pierrot the clown”
- placebo

2008/2009 Sem 2 Examination for ARCHITECTURE 2

CAP: 4.02
(CAP computed is accurate based on progress & declaration made as at time of printing.)

It might have been interesting to see that “scar” in the grades. I guess I only have myself to blame. Somehow I decided to try new design methods and teaching styles despite knowing the fact that design is 12MCs this semester. This gamble that i took backfired greatly and I’m left to suffer the consequences.

But hey, people move on. I might be disappointed in my grades, but its a lesson learnt. I guess I shouldn’t play around with my grades from now on.

No, I’m not gonna engage in blasphemy, neither do i revere in its glory.

To be honest, i never believed in God, or Gods for that matter. i’m a strong advocate of religion as a form of assurance that there is somebody, an entity that you can lean on and count on whenever you are facing problems. this being is all powerful and all knowing, simply because for someone that you can fall back on, you wouldnt want an imperfect being would you?

Which leads me to my contact with “him”.

A friend gave me a card today. It wrote: “for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -GAL 6:9″ Perhaps it was because i look dejected in recent times. Perhaps it was purely a coincidence, I will never know. But what i do know is, i was giving up. But this simple verse that is scribbled on a scrap piece of grey cardboard that could have been leftovers from model making gave me strength.

A simple gesture, but such a powerful message.

We chatted a while. People are funny. We are constantly judged by what we do, what we say, that sometimes you wonder whether the actions that you are going take is gonna have what kinda impact on others. Most of the time, we please one, but not the other.

Living life would perhaps then, be the most difficult task of all. Life itself is a lesson that one constantly fall and pick himself up. Those who couldnt, simple gets left behind.

I’m trying to run away from the reality. Which is why i wanna travel and see the world. It is only when i am not in the company of the ones that i know, that i feel calm and at peace. People have become so superficial that sometimes you wonder whether is their laughter really from the heart or just to pacify you (i too, am a culprit).

I digress.

throughout the different phases of my life i constantly get people who are trying to convert my faith. when i was just a small kid, in college, my friends. I often kept a distance, because i was afraid of the commitment and the time. Also, as mentioned, i’m not really someone who is keen to give my life to the hand of another, especially someone whom i have never met. still, religion kept coming back to me, in many subtle ways, the most recent being the greycard.

Is God really looking out for me? is there really a GOD in this world? If there is, save me.

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.

I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

I was first introduced to Nirvana at the age of 5. It was back in 1991, when Nevermind was released. The song that got me wasn’t teen spirit, like most people, but rather it was come as you are and lithium. I remember my cousins playing the album on the player. I was too young to relate to the lyrics, but the tunes caught me, especially on come as you are. Those were my first contact with kurt cobain, dave grohl and krist novoselic.

a few years later, as i grew older, the first cd i bought with my own money was Nevermind. Kurt was already dead by then. dave grohl went on to form the foo fighters, while krist novoselic embark on a non musical career.

lookin back, its been 15 years. the band had practically shaped my life. music today would have been so much better if nirvana were still around. we wouldnt have emo kids slashing themselves with penknifes now. grunge will still be going strong.

its better to burn out than fade away.

Its funny, how sometimes things do not get reciprocated the way u expect it to be. Many things i thought i knew, but in fact i don’t. Many things i thought was right, but am so so wrong. you said i stopped hanging out with you guys, but the fact is that i didnt. you guys simply (perhaps conveniently) forgot about me.

I started reading catcher in the rye again, and immediately felt better. The book is right, you know, that life is a game that one plays according to the rules. I try to, but its hard when everything gets fucked in your face. Perhaps its just me. I dunno. Its funny, how you could actually relate so much with fictional characters like holden caulfield or howard roark. I might have been better being a fictional character then.

Yes, i think too much. I read into things too much. Perhaps things might just have been so much simpler if i take it for what it is. Perhaps things would have been better that way. If only i could be that way. I would have been so much happier.

I am just a stranger in paradise.

Perhaps, like a true faith christian, the man above had other plans. maybe all this shit that is happening constantly in my face time and time again, is him trying to teach me something, but i am too blind to see it. that’s why the same things keep fuckin up in my face.